Neutral

I'm at a point in my life right now, where nothing is too extreme, yet nothing is too boring.
I have passed being emotional about the past - because it has made me stronger in the span of a few weeks than almost everything that has happened in my life.
Learning so much about myself has been beneficial and I feel more independent and not even one tether to you anymore. What I regret the most is not seeing things in the right perspective when so many things were happening, not realizing the potential hurt it could bring.

But it's better. Like I said, I can use this experience to learn from the future.
Which is why it is better to decline interests while I am still learning from this situation and learning about myself.

Broken, or for the better?

What does independence essentially mean? enabling yourself to be responsible and in a way 'grown up'? or does it mean independence in being able to be happy without having to be dependent on other people for those feelings.
I don't think I've reached either of those forms of independence. I don't know how to feel right now. Confused, hurt, depressed even? I don't. I feel ok, but empty. Right now, I'm literally reaching the end of my assessment with four more to go. Yet, I can't keep that bugging thought out of my mind. Yesterday morning, I was still unaware of anything that would happen, spent the day at school, smiling, laughing and having fun. Now I'm confused as to what is good for me, whether this or whether what it was, is better for me, for us.
I've always thought after that time I was broken once, to never reach that pathetic stage of crying over love, because it is never worth it. Little did I know that was nothing but unrealistic - what I cried over years and years ago was over a nonexistent love, it was all pretend, it was all pain.

Then I came across you. Your smile, that unknowingly caught me - you. You and I had unknowingly blossomed into something new, and happy and for the better of both of us. Yet, I feel as if you've reached a stage, maybe I have too? where we don't need each other to be happy anymore. Maybe, I need the time to adjust as you've said, and realize that this is for the better.
You have changed me in ways no one ever will, you have been the first boy to ever make me feel comfortable and look terrible in front of. You have been the realest part of my life, one of the happiest. Time is insignificant when it came to how yesterday unravelled, how it so quickly unravelled without any expectancy. Time is insignificant now that I realize feelings could so quickly change in the span of seconds, minutes, hours. Your choice and your values, are still changing me now, and I don't know whether it'll reach a point in which I may never travel down that path with you again.

So much confusion, curiosity and hurt inside of me right now that I accept and refuse to lose to. I just want to know; what is the true reason behind all of it? have you lost feelings? have you gained feelings for someone else? have you done something that would hurt me? are you hiding something from me because you don't want to hurt me? or is it really just that - that you cannot disobey the pressure and demands of family. Because, you know, that in all my power, I would try my very best to be here for you, and make sure you are doing what you're supposed to.

I just need a solid answer, an answer where I will perhaps get hurt, but eventually get better, an answer that perhaps will bring us back together as one force instead of two, just any decided answer. I need to know, because losing the last 10 months in the span of 10 minutes was not what I anticipated at all. I love you, but it may changed from how you decide to answer me.