I can see

I've thought of something that I really don't like, despite the positives of being an overly observant person it sometimes shows you things you don't want to notice and things you don't want to feel or see.

I hate hearing things I don't want to know about people as well as hearing lies being told to me one after the other. Things that begin to accumulate and change the way you view the people around you. It can get really hard, especially when it happens with people already so close to you in life.

What choices are we meant to take under these circumstances? Is it bad to no longer see things the way they used to be. To doubt, to no longer have faith? I tell myself that it is, and instead I try to focus on the areas in my life where I do feel secure, I do feel safe and I feel like me. And honestly I think that's the way I will handle this. Let the pieces fall where they are meant to be. Why be unhappy when you can be happy?

Sometimes it just gets difficult determining whether it has reached an extent to where I no longer wish to take part of, to sometimes just leave and explore the world. And then the burden of the years, memories shut me back up again.

It's a little bit like what you would call opportunity cost in economics, the longer I'm dwelling on this issue the more I'm missing out on the other opportunities and roads I could have taken. Yet, the final decision I make, is one in half confusion and half regret. How can I bear such a substantial part of me to be gone? To no longer share all these memories with.

Being critical, doubtful, insecure is the worst thing I can be right now. That is one thing I am sure of. Despite feeling sunken on the inside, I best just focus on the best areas of my life.

After all high school won't be my whole life, in fact it will contain some of my best and worst memories. It's only the beginning. I am young, and I shall be happy that the path I choose, will be uniquely mine, my own path to happiness and happiness to the ones I love.

Hello

I've been finding it so hard to find a balance between school, sleep and everything else. Sometimes - I get caught in my own little trap, on and off my phone, on and off facebook. Then there are the other times, when I know I'm just ... incredibly screwed for something and I work solidly for hours without stopping.

I'm yearning for the holidays to come soon - but I know they'll come by sooner than I think. It's a scary thought since there is still so much to do.

Wish all my friends good luck, and all the people in the cyber world luck for their endeavours.
GO FORTH AND DO AMAZINGLY!

Plans

Okay, this is it. No more negativity.
I'm going to try something new (and lame)
Every month I'm going to follow a new motto/theme. Starting on my birthday.
I want to be the best me.

A little lost

Sometimes I feel as though I expect too much from certain people in my life. And I end up being disappointed for no apparent reason.

I look at people sometimes and I see how their lives are, with their friends, with their family, their own self esteem. And then I realize I will never know what they are thinking, so far, everything on the outside seems so balanced, yet on the inside, their expressions look as though they're shaking and falling over and over again. And then I just hope, hope for the best for them, that they will soon learn to be happier with their lives. I don't know, it can't be that difficult to be content with your life. It's amazing when you come across those rare people, that seem to naturally (admirably) be happy all the time. That wake up happy and go to sleep happy. Those people, confident and content, ready for challenges - I really admire those kinds of people.

But where do I have a say in all of this? Aren't I just the same? Sure, I am adjusting. Adjusting to being the only sibling, adjusting to being less dependent on those around me and adjusting to missing the fragments of my life that seemed to have made it so whole. But at the same time I can see how much happier I have made my mum and dad by simply putting an effort to kiss and hug them every night, to thank them when I get home in the car, to tell mum she looks pretty in her dress, to make them breakfast.

And I think this is where people get it wrong. When they seek happiness, they seek it within themselves - but what they're not seeing, what they're not realizing is that, aside from happiness within oneself, it stems from the outside world. I'm not saying that the happiness stems from confidence that grows from people's compliments or their praise. That self-love, you have to find within yourself. What I'm saying is that, the best kind of happiness, is seeing the people you love, happy. And by feeling that elation - it's what gradually changes everything in your life. Your energy, your health, your general well being. By taking the smallest of steps, there are so many chain reactions that follow and have the ability to change your life. For example, with friends, siblings or anyone - just start by listening to what they have to say. Not just hearing what they're saying but really putting your heart into understanding them. I feel it's the best kind of advice you can give. When people hear themselves say things out loud, instead of thinking them and keeping them all bubbled on the inside, they usually solve their own problems and frustrations in the process of telling it to someone that will listen.

It's been hard - in a non complaining, bratty way. This year, having neglected such a large part of my life was and still continues to be a challenge. I want you to be happy, and sometimes it's hard to set aside my own selfishness of wanting what I decided to let go. I will always love the person you are. As I continue to try my best to love and accept the people around me.

We all see each other's flaws, we aren't stupid. No, but those who choose to accept those flaws about people, not even having to "love" those flaws, but just merely accepting them, is how you will be content. But like most things, it's easier said than done. But you know what? I'll try my best, and although I may never get there, I at least know I tried.

And I hope you do to. Whoever is reading this.

Silver eyes

What's wrong with me? for some reason I always find myself avoiding working on school stuff. Every time before I sit down to study, I have to clean my whole room, clean the house and play on my guitars or instruments, or go for a walk or a run with Ollie.

I just can't seem to settle down and focus. I don't know how to face these kind of things front on and I don't know why. Is it because I'm scared, or lazy or nervous, I don't know. I just hope I figure it out soon, because I can't work like this when it's my last year of high school.
Mum and dad are going to the coast today and I'll be home alone unless Tori gets here. somehow.
I'm dreading to finish my maths assignment and what not today.