What am I even doing with my life

Sometimes I feel helpless and useless, much like I feel now.

I feel like I am stuck, this morning I was reminded by the closest people in my life, my own parents. That I really haven't reached the stage of a "much" better me. As much as I didn't want to hear my flaws labelled one after the other, I think I needed to.

I know, I know that I have potential in me, in fact, an incredible amount that I would never let myself fully face, because I am a giant wuss. I am scared, and afraid of challenges. I've made countless problems, and now I'm stuck in this place where I don't know when, WHAT TOMORROW, I will actually start acting like the person I want to be, the "Rebecca Tsao" I ultimately want to improve.
It's time it's time it's time, like a broken record that never sings its tunes.

Well let myself imagine this now, I have flipped the record off, smashed it, and now there are the pieces on the floor, in which I am responsible for, and it's time to fix it and make it even better. A song that will last me a life time.

Neutral

I'm at a point in my life right now, where nothing is too extreme, yet nothing is too boring.
I have passed being emotional about the past - because it has made me stronger in the span of a few weeks than almost everything that has happened in my life.
Learning so much about myself has been beneficial and I feel more independent and not even one tether to you anymore. What I regret the most is not seeing things in the right perspective when so many things were happening, not realizing the potential hurt it could bring.

But it's better. Like I said, I can use this experience to learn from the future.
Which is why it is better to decline interests while I am still learning from this situation and learning about myself.

Broken, or for the better?

What does independence essentially mean? enabling yourself to be responsible and in a way 'grown up'? or does it mean independence in being able to be happy without having to be dependent on other people for those feelings.
I don't think I've reached either of those forms of independence. I don't know how to feel right now. Confused, hurt, depressed even? I don't. I feel ok, but empty. Right now, I'm literally reaching the end of my assessment with four more to go. Yet, I can't keep that bugging thought out of my mind. Yesterday morning, I was still unaware of anything that would happen, spent the day at school, smiling, laughing and having fun. Now I'm confused as to what is good for me, whether this or whether what it was, is better for me, for us.
I've always thought after that time I was broken once, to never reach that pathetic stage of crying over love, because it is never worth it. Little did I know that was nothing but unrealistic - what I cried over years and years ago was over a nonexistent love, it was all pretend, it was all pain.

Then I came across you. Your smile, that unknowingly caught me - you. You and I had unknowingly blossomed into something new, and happy and for the better of both of us. Yet, I feel as if you've reached a stage, maybe I have too? where we don't need each other to be happy anymore. Maybe, I need the time to adjust as you've said, and realize that this is for the better.
You have changed me in ways no one ever will, you have been the first boy to ever make me feel comfortable and look terrible in front of. You have been the realest part of my life, one of the happiest. Time is insignificant when it came to how yesterday unravelled, how it so quickly unravelled without any expectancy. Time is insignificant now that I realize feelings could so quickly change in the span of seconds, minutes, hours. Your choice and your values, are still changing me now, and I don't know whether it'll reach a point in which I may never travel down that path with you again.

So much confusion, curiosity and hurt inside of me right now that I accept and refuse to lose to. I just want to know; what is the true reason behind all of it? have you lost feelings? have you gained feelings for someone else? have you done something that would hurt me? are you hiding something from me because you don't want to hurt me? or is it really just that - that you cannot disobey the pressure and demands of family. Because, you know, that in all my power, I would try my very best to be here for you, and make sure you are doing what you're supposed to.

I just need a solid answer, an answer where I will perhaps get hurt, but eventually get better, an answer that perhaps will bring us back together as one force instead of two, just any decided answer. I need to know, because losing the last 10 months in the span of 10 minutes was not what I anticipated at all. I love you, but it may changed from how you decide to answer me.

I can see

I've thought of something that I really don't like, despite the positives of being an overly observant person it sometimes shows you things you don't want to notice and things you don't want to feel or see.

I hate hearing things I don't want to know about people as well as hearing lies being told to me one after the other. Things that begin to accumulate and change the way you view the people around you. It can get really hard, especially when it happens with people already so close to you in life.

What choices are we meant to take under these circumstances? Is it bad to no longer see things the way they used to be. To doubt, to no longer have faith? I tell myself that it is, and instead I try to focus on the areas in my life where I do feel secure, I do feel safe and I feel like me. And honestly I think that's the way I will handle this. Let the pieces fall where they are meant to be. Why be unhappy when you can be happy?

Sometimes it just gets difficult determining whether it has reached an extent to where I no longer wish to take part of, to sometimes just leave and explore the world. And then the burden of the years, memories shut me back up again.

It's a little bit like what you would call opportunity cost in economics, the longer I'm dwelling on this issue the more I'm missing out on the other opportunities and roads I could have taken. Yet, the final decision I make, is one in half confusion and half regret. How can I bear such a substantial part of me to be gone? To no longer share all these memories with.

Being critical, doubtful, insecure is the worst thing I can be right now. That is one thing I am sure of. Despite feeling sunken on the inside, I best just focus on the best areas of my life.

After all high school won't be my whole life, in fact it will contain some of my best and worst memories. It's only the beginning. I am young, and I shall be happy that the path I choose, will be uniquely mine, my own path to happiness and happiness to the ones I love.

Hello

I've been finding it so hard to find a balance between school, sleep and everything else. Sometimes - I get caught in my own little trap, on and off my phone, on and off facebook. Then there are the other times, when I know I'm just ... incredibly screwed for something and I work solidly for hours without stopping.

I'm yearning for the holidays to come soon - but I know they'll come by sooner than I think. It's a scary thought since there is still so much to do.

Wish all my friends good luck, and all the people in the cyber world luck for their endeavours.
GO FORTH AND DO AMAZINGLY!

Plans

Okay, this is it. No more negativity.
I'm going to try something new (and lame)
Every month I'm going to follow a new motto/theme. Starting on my birthday.
I want to be the best me.

A little lost

Sometimes I feel as though I expect too much from certain people in my life. And I end up being disappointed for no apparent reason.

I look at people sometimes and I see how their lives are, with their friends, with their family, their own self esteem. And then I realize I will never know what they are thinking, so far, everything on the outside seems so balanced, yet on the inside, their expressions look as though they're shaking and falling over and over again. And then I just hope, hope for the best for them, that they will soon learn to be happier with their lives. I don't know, it can't be that difficult to be content with your life. It's amazing when you come across those rare people, that seem to naturally (admirably) be happy all the time. That wake up happy and go to sleep happy. Those people, confident and content, ready for challenges - I really admire those kinds of people.

But where do I have a say in all of this? Aren't I just the same? Sure, I am adjusting. Adjusting to being the only sibling, adjusting to being less dependent on those around me and adjusting to missing the fragments of my life that seemed to have made it so whole. But at the same time I can see how much happier I have made my mum and dad by simply putting an effort to kiss and hug them every night, to thank them when I get home in the car, to tell mum she looks pretty in her dress, to make them breakfast.

And I think this is where people get it wrong. When they seek happiness, they seek it within themselves - but what they're not seeing, what they're not realizing is that, aside from happiness within oneself, it stems from the outside world. I'm not saying that the happiness stems from confidence that grows from people's compliments or their praise. That self-love, you have to find within yourself. What I'm saying is that, the best kind of happiness, is seeing the people you love, happy. And by feeling that elation - it's what gradually changes everything in your life. Your energy, your health, your general well being. By taking the smallest of steps, there are so many chain reactions that follow and have the ability to change your life. For example, with friends, siblings or anyone - just start by listening to what they have to say. Not just hearing what they're saying but really putting your heart into understanding them. I feel it's the best kind of advice you can give. When people hear themselves say things out loud, instead of thinking them and keeping them all bubbled on the inside, they usually solve their own problems and frustrations in the process of telling it to someone that will listen.

It's been hard - in a non complaining, bratty way. This year, having neglected such a large part of my life was and still continues to be a challenge. I want you to be happy, and sometimes it's hard to set aside my own selfishness of wanting what I decided to let go. I will always love the person you are. As I continue to try my best to love and accept the people around me.

We all see each other's flaws, we aren't stupid. No, but those who choose to accept those flaws about people, not even having to "love" those flaws, but just merely accepting them, is how you will be content. But like most things, it's easier said than done. But you know what? I'll try my best, and although I may never get there, I at least know I tried.

And I hope you do to. Whoever is reading this.